on body

i'm writing this out of my first ever notes for a post, so bare with me. this is a topic that has been brewing in me for quite some time, i've mentioned it a couple of times here and there, but there's more i want to say.

this is going to be about weight and being self-conscious of said weight. it is also going to be about the image of a body in general, or rather, my body.

~

i've never been satisfied with my weight or how i looked with it, even when i was a kid. sports were never in really in my interests, i enjoyed food and had, still have, a sweet tooth. this, coupled with some health problems, didn't exactly help in loosing weight. additionally, when i started my growth sprout at around 13, i gained more weight. it wasn't exactly bad fat, it's obvious that when your boobs change 3 cup sizes and you suddenly grow 20 cm, there is going to be more of you.

because i am this 5'10'' and am bustier with some thunder thighs (i'm fascinated by this wording), i weigh more than my friends. i weigh more than my 6'4'' cousin and my, a bit shorter but way musclier, brother-in law. and that hurts, so much. i don't know if you have any idea how it is, being the heaviest person in the house and being the only one that wants to loose weight, not gain any. and i wouldn't even call myself fat, there's certainly waaay bigger girls. but i do have a problem, it's the number, be it on a scale or the labels of my clothing. i'm just larger than a medium.

writing it down, it feels silly, that size is common, it's there for a reason, i'm sure there are beautiful women who wear a large and slay! i just feel like this is a bit out of my range...

it also brings me down in other aspects of life, like dreams about relationships for example. picking up your girlfriend, bridal style, must be fucking great. i haven't been picked up comfortably in 8 years...

~

but i do have things that actually make me happy about my body, like genuinely happy about my body in particular.

i've seen a lot of mentions of beauty marks and other skin things around lately and this has led me to a quite wonderful discovery.

i like my skin.

i don't have a lot of acne problems, it's mostly healthy, i like it's colour.

i have lots of beauty marks but thanks to my mum, who always praised them, and my imagination, i like to imagine them in galaxies and patterns, i love each and every one of them. i'm very observant of my skin, i know which spot has been there forever, which one changed colour, it's fascinating.

the only thing that used to bother me were my stretch marks. they quickly appeared when i grew taller, and now i have them on my inner thighs, around my hips and on my arms and breasts. they aren't dark but the lines are definitely there and there is quite a difference in texture.

in the beginning, i was horrified. why would a 15 year old get stretch marks, isn't that a pregnancy thing? why aren't teenagers taught this is normal? that this is their body growing?? i was sure i was alone, that this a flaw, that i should hide. i fought them for some time, using balms but this was even worse, i felt terrible. i didn't really like balms at all that's one thing and the other was that the tube that was lurking and staring at me from my cabinet had a pregnant, happy lady on it! i'm not happy tube! nor pregnant!

so i started to hide a lot, never wore short skirts of shorts, arms covered. until last summer, it was 30+ degrees everyday, i had to shed the layers or i'd literally boil alive.

but it turns out that i actually love my legs being out, shorts are so comfy and flattering. arms are out for this season, i don't want to hide those tiny lightning marks across my skin. now, i can't imagine myself without them, no idea how my thighs would look like totally smooth. i even like those ones, they look really pretty to me and it feels very pleasant to caress. is this what people do?

~

i think i could talk about body a whole lot more to be honest, since i'm in my 24/7.

and so are you, dear reader, it's yours and you have the right and deserve to love it yourself.

love,

qofr

p.s. i know ''thunder thighs'' wasn't suppose to be positive but i like to think that, firstly, i can cause a storm of hormones with them and secondly, after all, there are lightning bolts on them.

on youth and future

i'm sorry this post is late, i went to the cinema and lost track of time last night. btw, ''youth'' with michael caine is great but be prepared to be surprised. i know it sounds absurd but i'll just say, i never wanted it to end. the plot is so moving, the stories intertwine beautifully and it's worth a watch on the big screen if you still have the chance. oh, and the cinematography is stunning, the alps and sunshine is all i need tbh.

but today i won't dwell on another review, i don't think i'm that good at that. i want to talk about the future, maybe.

i'm in my final year, matura is in may and i'll be finished with general education forever, how scary is that?

getting into an university or a college was always obvious for me. i'm quite intellectual and my grades are good, i love to learn and ever since i can remember i wanted to go to csm. fashion was first, than i went through a weird phase of fabric and working on details but it's not for me. ready-to-wear is where it's all at and i want to create haute couture, pretty exclusively. that's why i sort of shifted to costume design and theatre. i've been doing makeup and stage faces for a while now, it's not what i really want to do but i gave me a lot to think about and i feel like it's gonna come in handy, prosthetics and all that. costume sprung naturally, it's way more dramatic than fashion and i like to exaggerate my projects (to my horror at the amount work more often than not, oh well).

right now, my year has just started their first year, since my school is a year longer (artsy fartsy). a lot of my friends finished the ib programme and went into stuff i'm totally not about. i'm a craftsman, i don't do pr, business and maths. everything interests me but i have to create something by hand to be happy. the unfortunate thing is that here craftsmanship is not so well appreciated as it is in the west. studies are limited, especially ba diplomas part-time.

i thought that i'll be going to london first thing after matura but the harsh reality hit hard and i can't. shit right? well, life is life but don't think i'm over it. masters has to be in london. have you seen how many specialties are there in costume!?

ba in poland it is. it turns out that i pretty much have 3-4 options. two in warsaw and two in łódź. costume in general, on this stage, is not exactly popular so i'm not really surprised. i'm limited by the part-time thing, i want to start working to get started on my personal finances (like the responsible, blue-haired, adult that i am).

the one school i'm most interested in is the one in warsaw, mskpu. it's international, the diploma is also in english, subjects are in english as well. i'm quite good at that, if i do say so myself (the cae grade a also thinks so). plus, have you seen the lecturers? names and their accomplishments talk for themselves. another thing, my favourite costume designer, katarzyna konieczka, studied there. i'll write about her some day too, her work is breathtaking.

the only thing is... i'm scared. even if i know i have the power to get in and all, i'm scared. i don't believe myself or in myself. my abilities kind of disappear in my mind and i feel really worthless. why should i write matura well if i have problems getting out of bed in the morning, every morning? i'm not creating when i should and could be. there are a million other people, why would anyone choose me. it sort of spreads into other parts of my life, it's quite worrisome.

i'm not a winner, i don't have the drive to be famous. as i said, my pr is weak as hell, social abilities are not better. it's hard to get work as a normal person and i'm not exactly that tbh.

and why i'm writing all that exactly? part of me wants your compassion, although who would pity the white, quite wealthy girl that just really wants to be a fucking artist. the other wants some sort of support. i don't feel like i have a good example in my real life, help a sister out.

a question of this week, what do you do for a living and how did you get here? why and how have you chosen that path?

that's enough, honey.

this has been your monday (tuesday) dose of future reality.

love,

qofr

the postman

ok. i'm sorry. but now i'm on holiday so it's all good. and i hope i won't procrastinate on this. cause i'm a shitty bloger. are we done here? good.

hi. again. hi.

so... as a starter let me just throw words at you. you ok with that? might be painful, you know, all those comas stuck in your skin, sharp ends of w's and t's. only o's are nice, bouncy little o's.

i'm feeling much better, for all of those of you who care.

i missed my anniversary. again, just like last year. don't worry, the new layout will be done till the end of july, it's the best one yet.

plus things.

i'm going to an arts school in september. today was a shopping day. i went with my sister and it was... scary. i mean... i don't know all the terms, i have no idea how much of what i need to get or how to ask for that. that's where my anxiety kicks in and i'm just paralised. so i just got the basics. i'll probably have to go back there. on my own... oh my god...

this makes me nervous about next year. and i don't know how to paint or draw, when you think about it. i mean... drawing is my thing, but it's not very good and i'm hopeless with any other paints than watercolours. disaster is in the making. me in an arts school doing characterisation and styling. wonderful. i shall document me falling into a pit off eternal despair by the end of the summer, expect some intense footage.

other stuff.

i've been obsessed with mail lately. i mean the real snail-mail thing. if you follow me on instagram or twitter you probably know that but now i'm telling you for sure. actually, through instagram i discovered a wonderful mail-art artist. she's russian, and unfortunately i can't read cyrylic but her art is amazing.
her blog:
http://www.fishmailart.com/
and her instagram:
http://instagram.com/nasyakopteva

so for now your task is to get mailing. i can even offer you a deal that if you email me (or like send any other way) your address i'll make something fun for you and we can become pen-palls, isn't that cool? no, only me?

if you are interested, here is a cool site:
http://www.postcrossing.com/

love,

qofr

crying heart

there are some songs that always make me cry, no matter what. one of them is people help the people by birdy. i know it by heart, and every word feels like it's written on it with a sharp pen, like in harry potter. i hum the words along the song whenever it plays. i try to practise feeling emotions, i know it sounds weird but bear with me. so i cry a little everywhere cause my shuffle is heartless.
the other one is żwir by maria peszek. she's a polish artist so the very meaningful words are not understandable to everyone, just so you know. the music itself is also very moving. recently it became one of my anthems, i don't feel alright.
but the fact that this makes me feel sad so much and every time makes me calm. you know, that one thing that stays. and this makes me happy. the fact that i can have that. just a monday night reflection.

in other news. i'm designing a new layout, it deserves a revamp. i just can't decide on the font on the banner yet. any suggestions? oh and i'm writing the other posts for gatsby, let's hope i'll finish them soon.

oh and do you like snail mail? pen pals, mail art and such?

love,

qofr

c'est fini

i recently realised that i haven't post a ootd in like, ages. so here is a new years eve one. as i promised. haha, good start of the year, first promise kept! 

and btw, spoiler alert, no, i didn't go anywhere. 

and yes, this means i dressed up for scrolling down tumblr till midnight. feel free to judge me.

 yes, i am aware of the fact that my hands look like they're dead or something. yeah...

outfit:

jacket - david moore

top - h&m

maxi skirt - reserved

shoes - doc martens

studded bracelet - glitter

earrings and rings - topshop

make-up:

eyes - l'oreal paris, color infaillible in eternal black

lips - sephora rouge in crush

nails - manhattan, lotus effect in, eh this is disappointing, 65w

i've become good friends with my camera though this photo shoot so maybe i'll post some more ootd, like once a week? maybe? would you enjoy that? (that's not a promise!)

should i get into the 2012/2013/newyearsresolutions/etc thing?

maybe just a bit. 

firstly, let's go through the ones from last year:

-draw everyday - well, i kinda did it. i'm better but i could use some practise.

-read more - this year i've read a least 42 books. i wanted to go to the usual 50, but i just didn't manage. 2013 and 50 books, challenge accepted.

-post regularly - well, you can tell how it went. i needed 3 months to complete something i was supposed to do in one month. but i posted quite frequently, i guess. you can judge that for yourself.

and btw, even though the calendar thing didn't work out as good as i planned, i still got the 2013 one. 

this year:

-i need to work more, like work on my portfolio and stuff like that. dream is to get a scholarship in london so i need to get myself together.

-this is sort of connected to the first one. i'll blog more, because it's fun, because i like it and because i can share doing something i love.

-i should be nicer to people. probably.

yeah, this is achievable. i hope at least. 

tell me about and show me your new year. it'll be fun.

and as i am a sneaky person like that, did you fulfil your resolutions? and did you have a 'midnight kiss'? wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

i wish you all the best for new year. let's hope this 13 will be lucky!

love,

qofr

daydreamer

well hello. again. been a while.
sorry.

let me introduce you to a fantastic artist. i have him on repeat basically all the time.
alt-j - tessellate

just listen, good, now go and save the world.

kidding. don't go yet.

i'm learning how draw 'properly'. it's fun. the lady is nice.

i'm only 9 books away from completing the '2012 50 books challenge', and i'm pretty proud of myself.

i ate so many maltesers that it's unbelievable.

and i want christmas.

love,

qofr

ps. the a-z thing is going to end this month, i promise.

point

ok, let's just face something. i'm terrible at sticking to some schedule. not only on the blog... really. so what i'm going to do...

• try to post at least two posts a week
• one of them will be an overdue letter
• not even try, write one post a week!

ok. that's basically it. see you on the next letter (n) 

love you for staying with me,

xoxo

arboretum picantum

this weekend was international blogger day :) nice one
in case you don't know i'm back at home and i just started school. lovely...

well, this obviously means that it's september (btw probably my favourite month).
and i promised something exciting for this.
ok.
i'm gonna pretty much do the beds. well not beds, 'beds'
it's a short for blog everyday in september.
but i'm going to bore you to death with my full of action and drama life in school, oh no.

mine is going to be bit more original.

since this year i'm starting to get my head in to my fashion i want to learn something everyday.
and what's the first thing you learn? the alphabet. see where i'm going with that?

i'm going to present you, day by day, my own fashion alphabet.
isn't that cool?

everyday a different letter and something that is connected to me and the things i do.

the only thing i want to to do is to comment with your special word beginning with this letter. it could be a favourite, meaningful or just funny to say :)

that's about it and let's get started!

love you,

xoxo

just scrap

what i've been up to?

well, the sewing stuff is not really working... i need to sort that out this week.

instead i've been focusing on drawing and art in general a lot more. the creativity from the last post is really working. in the new school year i might start a new post project, mostly about myself. and now i'm preparing things for that. and i'm also working on some print designs which will come in handy for my personal project next year :) everything is coming together. 

but this post is about a scrapbook. as i said somewhere in the past i'm going to london again this summer. this time is with my family, my two lovely cousins. they are probably going to be on some of the pictures later. anyway. the point is that it's their first time (i've been 7 times, love that city soo much). they don't know the things i know. 

i thought that it would be nice to give them that info in a fun way. and its going to stay for the future updates :)

i'm in stage 1 of making my own london scrapbook

if you want to make one as well look down :)

basically, what you are going to need is a lot of information, internet, some artsy stuff to decorate and make it fun and that's it :)

last thing is the actual scrapbook. mine is in a london notebook, isn't it cool? :P

[i know, photos are blurry but i just couldn't be bothered that day]

let me know if you want some updates on this thing.  hope you enjoyed it as much as i did ;)

love you all,

xoxo

that's what she said

the exchange is over. so is mostly the school year. i'm grateful for both. my grades are better than last year so i'm quite happy.
no, i won't write about the sarcastically wonderful exchange because some of these students are reading and i'm bored, exhausted and bit mad because of it. i'm not sorry.

as to other stuff... it's summer, hate it like mondays. i guess even more. the sun is one of my worst enemies and i hate tanning. on saturday i was near the lake with a lot of my school friends and even though i was in shade all the time, i got tanned. to get more specific i kind of burned myself. i have no freaking idea how did this happen. but now i feel dirty all the time cause my face is darker. simply marvellous.

fashiony stuff. the mnd play was last week. i have some pictures form that and of course some sketches so if you want to see them, let me know. also this month i was planning on going to workshops from sewing but no, why should i do something fun for myself when i could have the exchange and no free time. why should i? so, basically, that didn't work. but i have some other news.
this holiday i will have a practice at a sewing studio and i'm going to be learning how to sew (obviously) and how to work with clients. i'm really excited.

yeah... i guess that's it for now. i have some more news but i want to have something to write tomorrow. guess why.

yes, i'm finally showing you the galaxy look you have been waiting for. just now i'm to tired to do anything. yeah...

see you all tomorrow,

love you (and thanks for sticking with me even though i'm a terrible blogger)

xoxo

how stars shine?

hot chocolate/head mess (?) :

i'm planning on doing a big research on stars and space. it's so interesting. and beautiful.
have you seen any pictures of a supernova explosions?
it's just fantastic and somehow magical.

 why can't my room look like this anymore? why?
the lights broke. which made me mad and sad. sad mostly.
they were my age, approximately. so it was time for them to die...

 a sneak peak from my last shoot. i can't wait. but you have to... not for long.

and in the end, who is left? me, myself and i. and the nikon at least. happy?

love you all,

xoxo

p.s. omg... this was really random... i'm getting back to normal.

xo

the scary part

like it?
i personally like it so much better than the first one.
at first it was all so blank, did well but now i think it has more character.
and it doesn't connect with fashion at first, but then there is the scary part. my writing.

i'm so ginger now, like never before. ever.

maggie, i don't know if i manage to make the carrot cake. can it be for thursday?
i've got my glasses back.

yes.

this monday wasn't so bad. i got a cup of water at my face but i was ok :)
i never had so many changes in clothing in one day. crazy.

tomorrow i start school again.
my good humour suddenly and unexpectedly disappeared. great.

nvm.

see you,

love

xoxo

daddy's girl

always have been.
am.
will be forever.

tomorrow hopefully we are starting a new chapter. you, me and the blog. i have a brand new logo. a brand new idea. a brand new ... something at least.

from tomorrow, from 6.30 pm greenwich time, you will find my shit under this address:

www.ihatemondaysfashion.blogspot.com

without byom

i'm not om anymore.
i'm queen of rainbow. and i will shake the world!

...in the future at least ;)

here i will talk to stars.

get ready for a [small] revolution in here. it will have a brand new look.
hopefully, if everything goes well.

-----

now i'm mad. mad at my exams, mad at my stupid un-arty school, mad at my mum, mad at my messy world. but i should have a plan. like alice.  i have to find out what i'm not, certainly.

i'm not a meat-eater.
i'm not an extrovert.
i'm not a sport-lover.
i'm not a gamer.
i'm not a heartbreaker.
i'm not a cat-lover.
i'm not a drinker.
i'm not a realiser.
i'm not a brit.
i'm not a mathematician.

i'm not normal, remember it very well. might come in handy.

i make the path.

[... ]

and don't forget the hat.

i don't want to lose my muchness.

what is the hatter with me?

i will, will.

i'm going ginger.

for now, bye. sleep is waiting to be discovered. birds fly away.

love you, hope you'll like the new look.

xoxo

x

first of all i really want to thank my gorgeous petite friends for the lovely comments. maggie: you beat yourself this time :)

it's easter. i'm preparing a big carrot cake and brownie. yummy.
i'll post a picture sometime.

i don't have anything else to say really.
thank you for being here.

love you,

xoxo

15 years of high problems

existential / human kind question for tonight: in what are taller girls better than the shorter ones?

in bugs me all evening.

anybody who knows me would definitely say that i'm tall. tall.
i've been tall all my 15 years on this planet. till now i didn't know how it feels when you are the shortest person in the group.
now the boys in my class had grown and slowly (or rapidly, depends) they are getting taller than me.
i feel at least weird about it.

but i'm getting off the topic.

where was i?

oh. yes. how could i forget. high hight (good one, don't you think?)

shorter girls almost always want to be taller. why i ask?

i personally can spot any advantages of being tall.
you can't find long enough jeans in normal shops. topshop tall section, a big thanks to you.
you can't curl up cause your long legs don't fit on the chair.
you can't be comfortable in any plane, any.

you can't find a boyfriend who is taller than you. i don't know what are your criteria but i dream of having to stand on my toes to kiss him and being able to wear high heels without looking strange.

dreams.

any short out there? i want to know why you are jealous of these few inches? it's not fun.

what can a taller girl do that the others can't?

i mean an average girl. not skinny. not even quite slim.
ordinary.

i'm really interested in that. can anyone illuminate me?

i would really appreciate that. ami? maggie? mari? zuza?

why?
good night

love you,

xoxo

feel it

longer days come so quickly. a week ago by this time it was dark and cold. now it's sun out there and the temperature is quite... high? like, it's so hot but it's not bad either.
this week i hate mondays cause i felt so sleepy after saturday in school that i fell asleep 3 times and forgot that tomorrow it's tuesday not sunday. and i also forgot to do my pe homework. nvm, nobody cares :)

the sketches of helena and demetrius are coming soon.

from last minute: i changed my glasses, now i have my mum's retro ones.

like it? :P

my friend said today that i look like an owl, i definitely feel like one.

xoxo

MND

oh my freakin' god

i hate that i don't have internet when i want to. sucks. my teacher even suggested that i'm not alive anymore. great.

anyway. i have a great news for you.

i have drama classes in my school. and this year we have to make a play based on a book. our lecture is shakespeare's 'midsummer nights dream'.
everybody has a different role, we write our own scenario and all that stuff.

my drama teacher knows that i'm interested in fashion and design so she made me...

a costume designer for the whole play!
isn't that just amazing?!

i'll be drawing sketches and maybe sawing some clothes.
tomorrow i'll try to scan some of them and show you.

now, sorry but i'm really tired and the cafe i'm in is closing.

but no fear. till tomorrow!

love ya,

xoxo

funny, little thing...

let's tidy up in here.

due to my lack of time (don't tell anyone - i was extremely lazy, forgive me :P) i failed to fulfil my promise.

but. there. it. is.

this is a post loadsin1(at first i was going to write 2in1 but i turned out to be a bit more than one) kind of thing. i planned a new collection post for friday 13th. but it was friday the 13th. when i got home from school, turned on my pear and... went to sleep. i didn't do anything that day. i was supposed to meet my friend for swimming, didn't happen, obviously.

there was a funny little thing about that day.

imagine everything turning white at once. like, you close your eyes for one moment and than, when you open them, all you can see is whiteness everywhere around you. you can't spot a thing that is further that your fingers and nose.

that's what happened when i was going back home. how weird and cool was it?

it's the begging of my winter holidays so it was a really nice thing. and there wasn't any snow before that, not even on christmas, so a big surprise for me :).

i love snow. so when it finally happened i just stood on the center of the street and watched the snowflakes falling. i think that now in my neighbourhood i have a nickname 'loony'.

the other part:

as you all remember perhaps i had a big project with my 'wall of stuff'. i was going to post a picture a day and all that stuff. and on 14th i was going to revel my results. 

i still don't have my camera back. that's the main reason why it's not here.

the other one is that i didn't draw, almost nothing. but there is a lot of interesting stuff there so when i get my nikon back, i'll definitely gonna post this photo.

and last but not least:

i'm officially going to london. this tuesday, for 10 days. isn't that exciting? i'm also going to visit bath and liverpool. i just can't wait!

love you,

xoxo

what this post is not going to be about.

it is not going to be about my miserable failure once again. no. not a chance.
it is not going to be about my trip to london next week. there will be time for those kinds of posts.
it is not going to be about the weather.
it is not going to be about my priceless wall of stuff which is growing bigger and bigger.
it is not going to be about my health nor school.

actually it's a 'trailer' to my new collection idea. this time it has to work out cause it's really close to me.
right now i'm extremely tired so...
let me leave you with a cliff-hanger.

next post will revile everything. well... almost.

love you all,
thanks for sticking with me whoever you are and wherever you live. thank you.

xoxo

snow&owls

let's get it 'owly' in here!

look! another christmas card! it's for my and my mom's friends. they got married like a month ago but i just now finished the card... sorry. i just wish them my very best and hope that they'll be happy :)

and a copy of that is going to my wall. yey!

today i was on like window shopping because i need another warm jumper. and there are none jumpers like that! over-sized, warm jumpers! please, is it that hard to put some of those in winter collections?!

really?

time to change that! any ideas?

tomorrow more,

love you,

xoxo