on body

i'm writing this out of my first ever notes for a post, so bare with me. this is a topic that has been brewing in me for quite some time, i've mentioned it a couple of times here and there, but there's more i want to say.

this is going to be about weight and being self-conscious of said weight. it is also going to be about the image of a body in general, or rather, my body.

~

i've never been satisfied with my weight or how i looked with it, even when i was a kid. sports were never in really in my interests, i enjoyed food and had, still have, a sweet tooth. this, coupled with some health problems, didn't exactly help in loosing weight. additionally, when i started my growth sprout at around 13, i gained more weight. it wasn't exactly bad fat, it's obvious that when your boobs change 3 cup sizes and you suddenly grow 20 cm, there is going to be more of you.

because i am this 5'10'' and am bustier with some thunder thighs (i'm fascinated by this wording), i weigh more than my friends. i weigh more than my 6'4'' cousin and my, a bit shorter but way musclier, brother-in law. and that hurts, so much. i don't know if you have any idea how it is, being the heaviest person in the house and being the only one that wants to loose weight, not gain any. and i wouldn't even call myself fat, there's certainly waaay bigger girls. but i do have a problem, it's the number, be it on a scale or the labels of my clothing. i'm just larger than a medium.

writing it down, it feels silly, that size is common, it's there for a reason, i'm sure there are beautiful women who wear a large and slay! i just feel like this is a bit out of my range...

it also brings me down in other aspects of life, like dreams about relationships for example. picking up your girlfriend, bridal style, must be fucking great. i haven't been picked up comfortably in 8 years...

~

but i do have things that actually make me happy about my body, like genuinely happy about my body in particular.

i've seen a lot of mentions of beauty marks and other skin things around lately and this has led me to a quite wonderful discovery.

i like my skin.

i don't have a lot of acne problems, it's mostly healthy, i like it's colour.

i have lots of beauty marks but thanks to my mum, who always praised them, and my imagination, i like to imagine them in galaxies and patterns, i love each and every one of them. i'm very observant of my skin, i know which spot has been there forever, which one changed colour, it's fascinating.

the only thing that used to bother me were my stretch marks. they quickly appeared when i grew taller, and now i have them on my inner thighs, around my hips and on my arms and breasts. they aren't dark but the lines are definitely there and there is quite a difference in texture.

in the beginning, i was horrified. why would a 15 year old get stretch marks, isn't that a pregnancy thing? why aren't teenagers taught this is normal? that this is their body growing?? i was sure i was alone, that this a flaw, that i should hide. i fought them for some time, using balms but this was even worse, i felt terrible. i didn't really like balms at all that's one thing and the other was that the tube that was lurking and staring at me from my cabinet had a pregnant, happy lady on it! i'm not happy tube! nor pregnant!

so i started to hide a lot, never wore short skirts of shorts, arms covered. until last summer, it was 30+ degrees everyday, i had to shed the layers or i'd literally boil alive.

but it turns out that i actually love my legs being out, shorts are so comfy and flattering. arms are out for this season, i don't want to hide those tiny lightning marks across my skin. now, i can't imagine myself without them, no idea how my thighs would look like totally smooth. i even like those ones, they look really pretty to me and it feels very pleasant to caress. is this what people do?

~

i think i could talk about body a whole lot more to be honest, since i'm in my 24/7.

and so are you, dear reader, it's yours and you have the right and deserve to love it yourself.

love,

qofr

p.s. i know ''thunder thighs'' wasn't suppose to be positive but i like to think that, firstly, i can cause a storm of hormones with them and secondly, after all, there are lightning bolts on them.