on love

that's a heavy topic, huh?
especially coming from moi, i'm below a noob. but it's important and that's what a good therapy session does to you.

in the wintertime, i always get melancholic and lonely. when spring comes and everybody suddenly freaks out and truly acts like seeking a mate is everything, then i'm usually over it all and it's all good but it's winter now so let me get it out. i'm planning something fun for next week, i promise.

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my sister got married recently, in august, to a man she has known for years and years. he's in our family for so long, i can't even imagine, or remember well for that matter, time without him. great, right? they are always so kind with me, helping go through lots of stuff, i'm so grateful even if i don't say it that often.

to be very honest, i'm kinda jealous. not envious, oh no, but i can't help but feel weird knowing that they have been together when they were my age now. and here i am, reading fanfiction and than closing it with anger when, once again, i can't relate.

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how do you imagine kissing with somebody? hugging them and not wanting to ever let go? reading their messages and smiling from ear to ear when they appear online?

how do you know you're wanted if you're the one coming up to somebody? as stupid as this sounds, how would you know you're attractive to them, if they haven't really noticed you first? how do you even get the courage to make a move?

how do you even meet people? the only friendships i have we formed during an outside situation, school etc. (exclusively, now that i'm thinking about it). the only outgoing i do is for an one on one ''coffee'' with an amount of friends i can count on one of my hands. and now it got even smaller, since a couple have moved too far away. i didn't even have any possibilities, let alone a choice, to not go alone to my prom last friday. sixteen year old me is sad.

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to not get so sad (yes, i am aware that i'm pitying myself but you have to do it sometimes) let me say one more thing. why the fuck a romantic person is almost always hopeless? i know it may be a bit old school but can't i want the guy to make the first move? come on...

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strangers, move your chair if somebody visibly can't fit behind it. repeatedly.

this has been your monday dose of thinking.

love,

qofr