on youth and future

i'm sorry this post is late, i went to the cinema and lost track of time last night. btw, ''youth'' with michael caine is great but be prepared to be surprised. i know it sounds absurd but i'll just say, i never wanted it to end. the plot is so moving, the stories intertwine beautifully and it's worth a watch on the big screen if you still have the chance. oh, and the cinematography is stunning, the alps and sunshine is all i need tbh.

but today i won't dwell on another review, i don't think i'm that good at that. i want to talk about the future, maybe.

i'm in my final year, matura is in may and i'll be finished with general education forever, how scary is that?

getting into an university or a college was always obvious for me. i'm quite intellectual and my grades are good, i love to learn and ever since i can remember i wanted to go to csm. fashion was first, than i went through a weird phase of fabric and working on details but it's not for me. ready-to-wear is where it's all at and i want to create haute couture, pretty exclusively. that's why i sort of shifted to costume design and theatre. i've been doing makeup and stage faces for a while now, it's not what i really want to do but i gave me a lot to think about and i feel like it's gonna come in handy, prosthetics and all that. costume sprung naturally, it's way more dramatic than fashion and i like to exaggerate my projects (to my horror at the amount work more often than not, oh well).

right now, my year has just started their first year, since my school is a year longer (artsy fartsy). a lot of my friends finished the ib programme and went into stuff i'm totally not about. i'm a craftsman, i don't do pr, business and maths. everything interests me but i have to create something by hand to be happy. the unfortunate thing is that here craftsmanship is not so well appreciated as it is in the west. studies are limited, especially ba diplomas part-time.

i thought that i'll be going to london first thing after matura but the harsh reality hit hard and i can't. shit right? well, life is life but don't think i'm over it. masters has to be in london. have you seen how many specialties are there in costume!?

ba in poland it is. it turns out that i pretty much have 3-4 options. two in warsaw and two in łódź. costume in general, on this stage, is not exactly popular so i'm not really surprised. i'm limited by the part-time thing, i want to start working to get started on my personal finances (like the responsible, blue-haired, adult that i am).

the one school i'm most interested in is the one in warsaw, mskpu. it's international, the diploma is also in english, subjects are in english as well. i'm quite good at that, if i do say so myself (the cae grade a also thinks so). plus, have you seen the lecturers? names and their accomplishments talk for themselves. another thing, my favourite costume designer, katarzyna konieczka, studied there. i'll write about her some day too, her work is breathtaking.

the only thing is... i'm scared. even if i know i have the power to get in and all, i'm scared. i don't believe myself or in myself. my abilities kind of disappear in my mind and i feel really worthless. why should i write matura well if i have problems getting out of bed in the morning, every morning? i'm not creating when i should and could be. there are a million other people, why would anyone choose me. it sort of spreads into other parts of my life, it's quite worrisome.

i'm not a winner, i don't have the drive to be famous. as i said, my pr is weak as hell, social abilities are not better. it's hard to get work as a normal person and i'm not exactly that tbh.

and why i'm writing all that exactly? part of me wants your compassion, although who would pity the white, quite wealthy girl that just really wants to be a fucking artist. the other wants some sort of support. i don't feel like i have a good example in my real life, help a sister out.

a question of this week, what do you do for a living and how did you get here? why and how have you chosen that path?

that's enough, honey.

this has been your monday (tuesday) dose of future reality.

love,

qofr